a poorly written essay on operant conditioning

Study #1

4.27.2011 / 4:20 PM

I have about ten minutes before I have to leave for work. I actually just noticed that my time to write this post is much less than I need. But it could be helpful in the goal of overriding any excess thought, hesitation, and unproductiveness I usually suffer when trying to allow my thoughts to flow freely*.

The goal is to write without editing or using the delete key. In writing the last sentence I used the backspace button twice and twice while writing this very sentance – sentence.

When I first began to think of what exactly I wanted to write for my secdond- second post I was stuck between writing about earlier experiences, my time in rehab and treatment specifically or about 20 minutes prior when I sat on the patio and experienced anxiety, social paranoia and then nausea. I came inside after feeling like I might vomit and painted my nails with two different types of glitter polish.

I’m also caught today in trying to make a premature (thought I also struggle deciding if it’s premature or appropriate or god knows what) decision over interviewing and accepting a new day job. The job is an assistant to a successful female entrepreneur in Beverly Hills who also happens to be the mother to a well-known comedy actor. I think I could definitely benefit from this, I have a college degree I want to use it. Or do I want to use it? I’ve felt frustrated and slightly confused, but to the best of my knowledge mostly happy in the past couple of months since moving in with a roommate and only working at night at the bar. I’ve created two new blogs and had a couple other ideas and creative endeavors I feel/felt really good and enthusiastic about. I enjoy having the day of and feeling like I can do as I please or whatever order without judgement since Sarah is off to work and no one else is watching or ‘keeping any tabs.’ At the same time, this also makes me wonder if I’m being immature and inconsistent in my thinking. If I’m hiding away, holding myself back, and/or allowing harmful pyschosis to be the leading thought rather than my current goal- which I’m not exactly sure of… though have a few good contenders. This is all I have time to write about now. I’ll challenge myself to write at least a few thoughts after work.

4:36 pm

I find myself in a drowning race to complete a thought without being tempted by the fruits of the internet. Set me in front of a typewriter and I can bang away for about 5 hours. (Which is really 2, 3 at best considering I have tiny fingers and they tire easily). Same for an unlined notebook. But when I sit at my laptop to type I’m overwhelmed by the tools and enhancement features available.

I have a very hyper brain. Not hyper in the Bill Gates sense- if there is one? But hyper in the 6-year-old kid way. I wake up and immediately want to get ready so I can write. Write the weird dreams from last night after the 1. inspiring conversations with a coworker at the bar 2. creepy conversation with a drunk at the bar. Write about the new zombie character I’ve finally drawn out of all failed projects, and a deep love for Joss Whedon’s superhuman heroins. Maybe just writing about the struggle to write. But first, I’ve got to get ready. I can’t sit down and sometimes even make a meaningless to-do list until I’ve gotten ready.

So begins the 1-2 hour process to ready myself to write. Spend 20 minutes deciding whether taking a bath or shower fits my mood better. Pick out an outfit before bathing so I wont obsess about it while I bathe. Decide to take a short bath then shower so my hair doesn’t touch my bath water- which means I’ve now got to clean the bathtub because I could never relax thinking I’m sitting in a dirty bath. Bathe, obsess about outfit to wear before work (credentials: comfortable, but not so comfortable that I lounge too much, and cute enough to make me want to put on make-up). Now I spend an average of 30 minutes trying different outfits. I name all of my outfits; past contestants that never made it outside include: City Cowgirl, Western Geisha, TLC Revival, Aspen Space-Lodge, and The BreakDancer. Finally, I make coffee, make a to-do list and make my face up all at the same time. Multi-tasking my last three items usually adds an hour more to getting ready than if I could finish one before beginning the next.

Feeling as though my mind has done enough to sit down and ‘write,’ I set up my office. I’ve got to browse through internet stations until coming to a compromise on one genre of music and volume level, then set up two TV trays at the couch. One tray for my laptop, phone and some pens. The other tray for a glass of water or juice, a cup of coffee, a notebook, TV remotes, a book I wont even open, and sometimes a hairbrush. The only thing I don’t do before writing is brush my teeth or put on deodorant.

Now, two hours later and a head full of seven different stories or websites I want to create I start the one I feel the most connection with.

This is the hardest part, my favorite part, the one I dread the most. Open a document. Write a sentence. Delete. Write a sentence. Write another sentence. Delete the first sentence. Rewrite the sentence. Get stuck on mundane vocabulary, look up synonyms on the internet. Get stuck studying new vocabulary. Go back to writing in document. Get stuck on a description, start reading in the encyclopedia. Get up and brush teeth, get more coffee. Decide to start a different project, save writing in a folder that is never re-opened. Then, if I actually start a new document I usually wind up obsessing over the format, the sentence lengths, the amount of words I italicize…

I experience bouts of joy, excitement, frustrations, knotted stomach, brainlessness, and an impatience with the world outside my door.

I have an understanding for the power of thought- it’s influence on the attitude, mood, etc. and goal successes. So much so that I’ve become obsessed. I’m not a clean freak, I can drink some whiskey and knowingly fall asleep in a bed of ants, but I can’t take a bath unless I know I’ve completely cleaned and disinfected the tub. And I can’t write a sentence knowing that there are an infinite number of free tools and databases just one click away from potentially making my writing better. So how to draw the line between allowing my voice to take over as it does with a pen in my hand and allowing my obsessive thoughts to do some research?

This is my study to rewrite my psyche. To examine the influences, the balance, rewards and pains as well as dissect my memories to better realize alien constructs molding on my gray matter.  Ideally I will breakdown operant conditioning without bias and conquer the spazzoid neurons.

Or I will save this document and be too afraid to ever write on operant conditioning again.