Study #1
4.27.2011 / 4:20 PM
I have about ten minutes before I have to leave for work. I actually just noticed that my time to write this post is much less than I need. But it could be helpful in the goal of overriding any excess thought, hesitation, and unproductiveness I usually suffer when trying to allow my thoughts to flow freely*.
The goal is to write without editing or using the delete key. In writing the last sentence I used the backspace button twice and twice while writing this very sentance – sentence.
When I first began to think of what exactly I wanted to write for my secdond- second post I was stuck between writing about earlier experiences, my time in rehab and treatment specifically or about 20 minutes prior when I sat on the patio and experienced anxiety, social paranoia and then nausea. I came inside after feeling like I might vomit and painted my nails with two different types of glitter polish.
I’m also caught today in trying to make a premature (thought I also struggle deciding if it’s premature or appropriate or god knows what) decision over interviewing and accepting a new day job. The job is an assistant to a successful female entrepreneur in Beverly Hills who also happens to be the mother to a well-known comedy actor. I think I could definitely benefit from this, I have a college degree I want to use it. Or do I want to use it? I’ve felt frustrated and slightly confused, but to the best of my knowledge mostly happy in the past couple of months since moving in with a roommate and only working at night at the bar. I’ve created two new blogs and had a couple other ideas and creative endeavors I feel/felt really good and enthusiastic about. I enjoy having the day of and feeling like I can do as I please or whatever order without judgement since Sarah is off to work and no one else is watching or ‘keeping any tabs.’ At the same time, this also makes me wonder if I’m being immature and inconsistent in my thinking. If I’m hiding away, holding myself back, and/or allowing harmful pyschosis to be the leading thought rather than my current goal- which I’m not exactly sure of… though have a few good contenders. This is all I have time to write about now. I’ll challenge myself to write at least a few thoughts after work.
4:36 pm
a poorly written essay on operant conditioning 
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