I finally brought myself back to this log today. Let’s see, it’s been exactly 2 weeks. Of course a lot has happened and I feel like a much brighter, fresher person than the state of mind I was in when I wrote to myself that day. I couldn’t even remember the name I’d given this blog. I’ve definitely planned to revisit here, but my writing now is due to talking to an ‘old’ friend about starting an online magazine. I had to sign into my wordpress account so I could tell him the name.
I find it slightly amusing that one of the last things I wrote was that I’d challenge myself to write some more that night when I got off work. And here it’s been 2 weeks.
That day I was moppy and extremely anxious and paranoid. Today I feel calm, stable (if I will), and okay. I think “okay” as a state of being is hard for most to grasp. If someone were to ask “How are you?” and you respond “I’m okay” it would be taken negatively and more than likely followed by “What’s going on?” or “I’m sorry” or any number of half-ass concerned responses depending on their level of caring and time they intend to talk. However, to be ‘okay’ is good. To me, at least, in my connotation of the word. Which also is developed by my own experiences, yada yada. Still, I believe it should be a nice way to be for everyone and regarded in that sense when responding to “How are you?” Today I’m not feeling ill, anxious, afraid to go outside (necessarily, though I don’t want to), or that I’m exactly on the wrong track. I also don’t feel ecstatic or over-joyous, which I’m thankful for because that many times leads me to dysphoria when those emotions pass. It feels good to be okay and it’s perhaps the best state to be in for me to write.
Also, to touch upon the job that I was so anxious about. For back story, I went on a really, really nice date the night before and the next day I woke up early and readied myself for the interview. As I neared Beverly Hills at about 10:30 am- as I was sure the interview time was- I realized I had a text from my friend who set the interview up asking if I was there. This message was sent at a little after 10. The interview was at 10 am. There it was listed in my e-mail clearly, not half hour mark anywhere. I’d even thought to check my e-mail before leaving and (clearly) decided I didn’t need to. I remember feeling a strong need not to. I called 3 times and never got an answer. I felt bad and embarrassed for the friend who had gone out of his way to set it up, but I was enormously relieved. I have been since. Which I suppose is a lesson in itself to get in tune with my emotions and not be afraid to speak up for them, to defend them in their own entities.
a poorly written essay on operant conditioning 